It all started when I was born. Doctors decided how I should come to this world. Should it be natural birth or caesarean section? My parents named me without even asking me. People around me told me which language I must love to speak.
They fed me food of their choice. I
grew up indecisive. Wait! Wait! Wait! Isn’t it natural? This is how it is
supposed to be. “How can a kid think independently and decide his own choices?”
would be the question on your mind. Absolutely yes! It is natural that
kids can’t think independently. But, I’m not a kid any more. So, why I am still
living for others?
After my high school I dreamt my
path in the intense world of art which could thrive my passion and wilderness.
Life beats down and imprisons the soul and art. But, people around me had
different ideas about my life. They insisted that I choose engineering. I
didn’t know how to fight for my dreams. Have you had that problem? I nodded my
head. I spent my entire engineering years crushing my dreams in heavy machineries
in monolithic labs.
Even my routine was not in my
hands. My dad decided for me always - where I should go, where I shouldn’t,
what I should do and what I shouldn’t. My attire was always my mom's choice. I
followed silently. I nodded my head for everything. We all love our parents.
Don’t we? My religion decided my food habits. My stomach craved for delicacies
which were forbidden. Doesn’t sound funny?
My friends decided which movies I
should go and which places I should visit. I was advised to take up a job that
could bring lot of money, but cannot bring me happiness. And I did everything.
Just to make my loved ones happy. Just for you! Just for you!
And now it gets better! One of my
relatives called me in merry to let me know that my soul mate is chosen, a girl
whom I have never met. What? This should be a joke. I assume this is the 21st
century, the century of complexity as quoted by Stephen Hawking. How can I
marry someone for others? I was habituated to nod my head for everything they
say. But not this time. Once in a while it really hits me that I don't have to
experience the world in the way I have been told.
This is my life and this is a nerve-racking decision to accept someone with whom I should travel for next 50 years. I defended. I did not nod my head. I saw cold shoulders and angry faces everywhere. I was painted with colors of arrogance and disrespect. I saw my parents’ sad faces in midst of non-cordial comments and emotional attack from my relatives. A life time commitment not to be broken was treated very lightly like buying a dress. My vocal string resonated an absolute and definite ‘NO’. I was adamant. I did not give up. Things cooled down with time. People realized. People changed their mindset. Time heals everything, isn’t it? I learned the importance of waiting.
It’s worth to wait for what we wish for. Now I’m given the privilege to decide my queen. Would it have happened if I didn't break my silence? Would it have happened if I nodded my head? Would it have happened if I did not speak up for what I want in my life?
I’m a fully grownup adult. I want
to do what I love to do. Give me wings which could make me fly, make every
dream of mine come true, make me feel the freshness. Untie the chain and let me
be free. Open my blindfold, let me see through it all. Let me enjoy the madness
of solitude. Trust me, I can make my life beautiful with a soul who can stand
by me and I can stand tall.
I wanna throw my routine job and
embark into a new arena of my choice. I wanna hike in Mount Kinabalu to witness
its unique botanical and biological species biodiversity. I wanna write the
last episode of my first book on the highlands of Cameroon filled with the
fragrance of natural tea.
I wanna enjoy dining at the
hanging restaurant in Belgium. I wanna feel the goosebumps while witnessing the
majestic architecture of Ankor Wat. I wanna play sand boarding at the Peruvian
desert. I wanna experience an adrenalin rush while skydiving in Interlaken,
Switzerland. And my wish list grows every day. Don’t dare to stop me. I will
not!
Life is too short to nod our heads
for everything. Life is too short to lead a routine, boring and money making
life. I stand firm for my choices. If I don’t stand for my dreams, who will
stand for it? If not now, then when? The feelings that hurt most, the emotions
that sting most are those that are absurd - The longing for impossible things,
precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire
for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; Time is passing
like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on. I feel I never have to think
about anything for not making it happen. If I don’t fight for me, what else I
will fight for?
- Rajesh Kumar Dharmalingam
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